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Thread: Funnies Thread - What you got ? (NSFW R rated)

  1. #11
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    Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.

    A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
    'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
    'Not yet,' she replied.
    MrsNix, akef38, xusia and 1 others like this.

  2. #12
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    How do you keep an Idiot occupied ??

    http://forums.aussievapers.com/showt...ll=1#post23588
    LimeB and Rodrocket like this.

  3. #13
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    Very funny Meebo, I am obviously an idiot :-)

  4. #14
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    A Definitive Guide To Aussies

    1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

    2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

    3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

    4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

    5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

    6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

    7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

    8. All our best heroes are losers.

    9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

    10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

    11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

    12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

    13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

    14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

    15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

    16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

    17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

    18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

    19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

    20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

    21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

    22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

    23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

    24. On picnics, the esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

    25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

    26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

    27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

    28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

    29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard (inspect repellent) is worse than the flies.

    30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER! (Although a lot of Wogs say it to make fun of us Skips.) They also don't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mow a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie!

  5. #15
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    A nun and a priest were crossing the Nullarbor Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

    After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well,
    Sister, this looks pretty grim."

    "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

    "I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

    "Anything, Father."

    "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

    "Well, under the circumstances, I don't see that it would do any harm."

    The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

    "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

    "Father, could I ask something of you?"

    "Yes, Sister?"

    "I have never seen a man's pen!s. Could I see yours?"

    "I suppose that would be okay," the priest replied lifting his robe.

    "Oh Father, may I touch it?"

    The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

    "Sister, you know that if I insert my pen!s in the right place, it can give life."

    "Is that true Father?"

    "Yes, it is, Sister."

    "Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"
    xusia and Rodrocket like this.

  6. #16
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    I just thought this thread needed a bump. I'm bored!!


    Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,


    'Damn, 'Damn !'

    He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

    'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

    He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

    The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

    Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'

    'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'
    gtadmin, MrGruffy, MrsNix and 2 others like this.

  7. #17
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    Another one then I will stop

    Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

    But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

    The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

    The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

    So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

    And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

    The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

    The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

    The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

    " No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

    Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
    gtadmin and xusia like this.

  8. #18
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    Ok, I lied, here is another one.

    A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
    garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
    awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

    Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
    bills falling Out of that bag."

    "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
    see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

    "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
    money? You didn't steal it, did you?"


    "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
    the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
    pee
    through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
    to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

    Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
    stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
    clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
    surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off
    it comes.'

    "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
    Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"



    "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
    gtadmin, MrsNix and xusia like this.

  9. #19
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    I accidentally sent a picture of my **** to everyone in my address book. Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps!

  10. #20
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    Mmm,

    I guess all your friends are waiting for the post to come?

 

 
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