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Thread: Funnies Thread - What you got ? (NSFW R rated)

  1. #2751
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    A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
    'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior ... 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
    'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

    'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not totally relaxing?'

    'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

    'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

    'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

    And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

    'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

    'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

    'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother.

    'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

    'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
    'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

    "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
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  2. #2752
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    A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,

    "I think those people in the car next to us are fromWales".

    "Why do you think that ?" he said.

    "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says:

    stit ruoy su wohs
    Robray, gtadmin, Vaporific and 1 others like this.

  3. #2753
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    Of course, in Oz it would be "sʇıʇ ɹnoʎ sn ʍoɥs"
    Started vaping 28th October 2011

    The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of low price is forgotten. - Benjamin Franklin
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  4. #2754
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    Quote Originally Posted by gtadmin View Post
    Of course, in Oz it would be "sʇıʇ ɹnoʎ sn ʍoɥs"
    Behave yourself!!
    gtadmin likes this.
    Because I trust no-one Who tells me FACTS with no proof

  5. #2755
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robray View Post
    Behave yourself!!
    Just like the good old days Rob ... of course, all the good blonde jokes are about 200 pages ago
    Robray and Black Betty like this.
    Started vaping 28th October 2011

    The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of low price is forgotten. - Benjamin Franklin
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  6. #2756
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    Quote Originally Posted by gtadmin View Post
    Just like the good old days Rob ... of course, all the good blonde jokes are about 200 pages ago

    Yes a long time ago. The blond jokes turned to grey jokes!! Still remember the anti religion jokes. Stupid days? Shoulden't have done that, getting close to needing some good press up there!!
    gtadmin, Vaporific and Black Betty like this.
    Because I trust no-one Who tells me FACTS with no proof

  7. #2757
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robray View Post
    Yes a long time ago. The blond jokes turned to grey jokes!! Still remember the anti religion jokes. Stupid days? Shoulden't have done that, getting close to needing some good press up there!!
    But God has a sense of humour ... ask a platypus
    Robray, Fatman, Vaporific and 1 others like this.
    Started vaping 28th October 2011

    The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of low price is forgotten. - Benjamin Franklin
    Just because you are offended doesn't mean you are right ...




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  8. #2758
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    Quote Originally Posted by gtadmin View Post
    But God has a sense of humour ... ask a platypus

    So does my wife (occasionally) Rest of the time I am in the Sht!!
    Because I trust no-one Who tells me FACTS with no proof

  9. #2759
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robray View Post
    So does my wife (occasionally) Rest of the time I am in the Sht!!
    Ah, nothing's changed then
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    Started vaping 28th October 2011

    The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of low price is forgotten. - Benjamin Franklin
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  10. #2760
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robray View Post
    .. Still remember the anti religion jokes. ..
    Speaking of religion, I was just thinking of an old joke the other day.. If it's already been posted, my apologies.


    __________________________

    There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
    SL: It's logical. He wants to r*pe us.
    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
    SM: It's not working.
    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! tell me what happened!
    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
    SM: And?
    SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
    SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
    SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.
    SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
    SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her habit up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

    __________________________

    And a couple of (weak) bar puns..

    __________________________


    A grasshopper walks into a pub, looking glum, and takes a seat at the bar.

    The bartender asks: "Why the long face?"
    The grasshopper replies: "My wife is cheating on me, the kids don't respect me, I lost a bundle on the GGs and to top it off, I just got sacked. What do you have that might cheer me up?"
    Bartender: "Well, as it happens, we have a cocktail named after you."
    The grasshopper cheers up: "Great, give me a 'Henry'!"

    __________________________

    A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks "Why the long face?" ..
    Last edited by Vaporific; 08-03-15 at 01:39 AM.
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