Page 3 of 327 FirstFirst 123451353103 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 3263
Like Tree8030Likes

Thread: Funnies Thread - What you got ? (NSFW R rated)

  1. #21
    AVF Regular
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Grumpy Old man, Living inPerth Northern suburbs
    Posts
    6,590
    Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer

  2. #22
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Oz
    Posts
    461
    Quote Originally Posted by zainwolf View Post
    I accidentally sent a picture of my **** to everyone in my address book. Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps!
    Now that's really funny. :lol:

  3. #23
    AVF Regular
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Grumpy Old man, Living inPerth Northern suburbs
    Posts
    6,590
    I just thought I would bump this thread to liven up a slow Sunday afternoon, after mopping the kitchen.

    The Giant Cigarette Lighter

    A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

    The first guy says "Wow, that's a huge lighter...where did you get it?" The guy replies "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

    "Great, can I try it?"

    "Sure."

    The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

    The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears.

    A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

    "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

    The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"
    gtadmin, MrsNix and xusia like this.

  4. #24
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    FNQ, QLD
    Posts
    152
    Parrot

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

    John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
    MrsNix and xusia like this.

  5. #25
    AVF Regular
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Grumpy Old man, Living inPerth Northern suburbs
    Posts
    6,590
    Thanks Meebo, nice one!!

  6. #26
    AVF Regular
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Hobart Tasmania
    Posts
    5,630
    Yeah thanks Meebo funny HA HA

  7. #27
    AVF Regular
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Grumpy Old man, Living inPerth Northern suburbs
    Posts
    6,590
    Shame my freezer is too small for the missus!!

  8. #28
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    FNQ, QLD
    Posts
    152
    Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne .

    One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

    Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
    Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

    You wanna try it?'
    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
    The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

    In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

    Nothing!

    Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

    Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
    Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
    Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

    ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
    'What's that?'

    'Have you farted yet?'

    'No.'

    'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth .'
    xusia likes this.

  9. #29
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    FNQ, QLD
    Posts
    152
    A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

    The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

    As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

    Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir , with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump chit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
    MrsNix likes this.

  10. #30
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    FNQ, QLD
    Posts
    152
    A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

    The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

    He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

    "Ok; have you ever been in the military service?"

    "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

    The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

    The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

    The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

    The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

    "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
    MrsNix likes this.

 

 
Page 3 of 327 FirstFirst 123451353103 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.4
Copyright © 2017 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0
All times are GMT +11. The time now is 02:14 AM.