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Thread: Funnies Thread - What you got ? (NSFW R rated)

  1. #3241
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    You may kiss a nun once, you might kiss a nun twice. But you can't get into the habit.
    Most metaphors do not bear up to close scrutiny

    Killed the nails before they killed me. 10/02/15 Thanks immensely to AVFers!

  2. #3242
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    What do a kodak film and a condom have in common?

    They've both captured glorious moments in history.

  3. #3243
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    Two rather inebriated gents were walking down the street to get home after pub closing time. There, under the street light, was a dog cleaning his own undercarriage. One pissed old bloke turns the other and said '"Shitttt! I weesh Oi could do thaaat!!!! His mate replied "You better fu!@#$g PAT HIM FIRSSSHHT!"
    Last edited by DocM; 31-08-17 at 03:19 PM.
    merexy and blox4u like this.
    Most metaphors do not bear up to close scrutiny

    Killed the nails before they killed me. 10/02/15 Thanks immensely to AVFers!

  4. #3244
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    What is the difference between a gay man and a microwave?
    A microwave won't brown your meat.
    Most metaphors do not bear up to close scrutiny

    Killed the nails before they killed me. 10/02/15 Thanks immensely to AVFers!

  5. #3245
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    An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday
    by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
    She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.”
    The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, and breakfast
    had been included had she wanted it.
    She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
    The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”
    “But I didn’t use them,” she said.
    ”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.
    He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the Manager said.
    “But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
    “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.
    No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.
    After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But madam, this cheque is for $50.00.”
    “That’s correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.
    “But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
    “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
    Support the closed autocratic NNA AU lobby group-
    Give money, sign and fill what we say then STFU- its called unity!

    You actually thought that your action & thoughts matter?Its "experts" only buddy
    Pfft don't like it?... go away and start your own
    All Hail the NNA AU vape overlords!
    Delete & block the negative! It never happened- its in the past MKAY?
    (or face members & supporters wrath & tears...)
    Infiltrate, Dominate & assimilate all unbelievers..Welcome to the new NNA AU echo chamber

  6. #3246
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    Out loud when alone!
    What do you call a baby born with a wooden head?
    Edward.
    Twins born with wooden heads?
    Edward Woodward.
    Most metaphors do not bear up to close scrutiny

    Killed the nails before they killed me. 10/02/15 Thanks immensely to AVFers!

  7. #3247
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    Quote Originally Posted by DocM View Post
    Out loud when alone!
    What do you call a baby born with a wooden head?
    Edward.
    Twins born with wooden heads?
    Edward Woodward.
    My dad used to call him Ed triple wood
    DocM and stylemessiah like this.

  8. #3248
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    Quote Originally Posted by laurie9300 View Post
    My dad used to call him Ed triple wood
    Lol. Folks loved Callan. Broke a few light bulbs swinging them in my room coz of him.
    Most metaphors do not bear up to close scrutiny

    Killed the nails before they killed me. 10/02/15 Thanks immensely to AVFers!

  9. #3249
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    Quote Originally Posted by DocM View Post
    Lol. Folks loved Callan. Broke a few light bulbs swinging them in my room coz of him.
    I always liked The Equalizer
    merexy, DocM and stylemessiah like this.

  10. #3250
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    Two men, 1, a Catholic priest, the other a Rabbi, driving back at night together, run over a rabbit and splatter it.
    The Catholic priest driving slams the brakes on a bit further down the road, backs up and gets out and gives it a mournful prayer. Then gets back in the car.
    The Rabbi gets out, and in the headlights glow, picks up the lifeless rabbit, takes out a small bottle of liquid, sprinkles some on the rabbit then lays it back down.
    He returns to the car. Not a word is exchanged.
    To the drivers' amazement the rabbit gets up and skirts away.
    He turns to the Rabbi and exclaims "That's a miracle! Was that Holy Water or what the hell was it?"
    The Rabbi calmly looks at him & says "Your faith believes in miracles? Yes?"
    "Of course! What was it?" he says.
    The Rabbi replies, "Hare restorer."
    merexy, rockmoose and emu like this.
    Most metaphors do not bear up to close scrutiny

    Killed the nails before they killed me. 10/02/15 Thanks immensely to AVFers!

 

 

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