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Thread: Funnies Thread - What you got ? (NSFW R rated)

  1. #1
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    Funnies Thread - What you got ? (NSFW R rated)

    Figured I'd start a thread for everyone to post the funniest jokes they've heard.

    Guess I'll start with a few

  2. #2
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    Digging Holes


    Two blonde girls were working for the county public works department.

    One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

    They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

    So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it... why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

    The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
    MrGruffy and xusia like this.

  3. #3
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    Sorry for the caps, i wasn't going to retype this whole thing from an email.

    DO YOU FART IN BED?

    IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

    THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

    THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.

    THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

    EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT AS MAKING HER SICK.

    HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NORMAL.

    SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

    THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT.

    THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP,
    SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

    SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK,
    SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

    SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM
    AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

    THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES!

    AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

    ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOOD STAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.
    SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT THE MATTER WAS.

    HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".

    "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.

    "WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."

    BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."

  4. #4
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    Pay Rise

    The Pen!s, hereby requests a raise in salary for the following reasons:

    I do physical labor.
    I work at great depths.
    I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
    I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
    I work in a damp environment.
    I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
    I work in high temperatures.
    My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

    Sincerely,
    P. Niss

    The Response:

    Dear Pen!s:
    After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

    You do not work 8 hours straight.
    You fall asleep after brief work periods.
    You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
    You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
    You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
    You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
    You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
    You will retire well before you are 65.
    You are unable to work double shifts.
    You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
    And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

    Sincerely,
    V. Gina
    gadongerzee, emissary, K-J and 3 others like this.

  5. #5
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    The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

    At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

    Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

    God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
    Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

    God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

    Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
    God said, 'Ah, yes.'

    'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
    3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
    5.. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


    'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

    God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results..

    The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

    'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'
    scaramus, LimeB and xusia like this.
    Quit date : 10/5/2011

  6. #6
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    I told my wife that the only reason women don't fart as loud and often as men is because they don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure. And that's when she hit me.
    gregds, scaramus, emissary and 3 others like this.

  7. #7
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    I just got slapped for reading that one!
    worth it though
    kids thought it was funny and rekon mum should talk more
    Last edited by D1git; 17-09-11 at 09:19 PM.
    scaramus and ultravape like this.
    Quit date : 10/5/2011

  8. #8
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    There was a farm boy playing in the field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you
    Cumulonimbus and xusia like this.

  9. #9
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    One tectonic plate runs into another and says 'Sorry! My fault!'
    besure, hank, emissary and 2 others like this.

  10. #10
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    To Feel Like A Woman

    On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
    Turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
    Struck by lightning.

    One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front
    Of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

    Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
    Earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a
    Woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
    Feel like a WOMAN??"

    For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,
    And they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
    Plane.

    Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel
    Like a woman," he says.

    He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes,
    He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button
    At a time.

    No one moves.

    The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man
    Approaches.

    He removes his shirt.

    Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm
    Holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
    scaramus, MrsNix, Gresh11 and 3 others like this.

 

 
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